About Me

TW/CW: Sexual assault, drug abuse, suicide

Hmmm, where to start? There’s a song that says that the beginning is a very good place to start, so that’s what I’ll do. I was born and grew up. The end. Lol. I am still growing. I came into this world in this current form during the Summer of 1977 in the San Francisco Bay Area. So, that makes me...carry the 8...42! I thought that my early 40s would be different, but, alas, the Universe had other plans.

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By the time I was 16, I had graduated from high school, was enrolled in community college (which would be the first of three degrees I would go on to earn), held a job as the Assistant Printer for the school district, had been through drug and alcohol rehab, and experienced my first sexual assault. What can I say, I like to get in as many experiences as possible.



I obtained my AA Degree and my Emergency Medical Technician certification by the time I was 18. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do for a living at that time, and, frankly, I am still not 100% sure on that front. I knew since I was young that I wanted to be a voice to the voiceless and help others. I realized after I obtained by EMT cert that I had to be at least 25 years old to work for the local ambulance companies (Acme West and AMR) and my Mom had moved across the country for a job transfer. I was living on my own and working as a clerk for one of the local automotive wholesale companies, completing DMV paperwork and maintaining working relationships with the area car lots and banks. I could pay the bills, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do forever.

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What’s a girl to do when she’s educated and passionate, but feels stuck? That’s right! I joined the military! Seems like a natural step, right? I was very close to joining the Marines, but the humanitarian aspect of the Coast Guard was what was appealing. So, I signed up, put all of my stuff into storage, and my Aunt took me to the hotel where I would leave the following day to fly across the country to Cape May, New Jersey. I remember telling my Aunt that she could think of me as a package that is being shipped. This was before the days of Amazon and same day delivery. Back then, dinosaurs delivered packages, often taking 6-8 weeks for delivery.

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During my 12 years of military service, I got to experience a lot of things, living in remote places most people don’t even know exist. I’ve lived in New Jersey, Virginia, Massachusetts, Alaska, California, and Oregon due to the military, but added Texas, New Mexico, and Colorado with the company of my fiance, Matt. Not all was happy and carefree during my time in the military though, as I would experience my second sexual assault, drug addiction (again), the death of my then fiance, and was accused of malingering due to two herniated discs in my back that medical didn’t think needed an x-ray. While stationed in Boston, I would be told on a near daily basis that I should go kill myself, drive fast and take risks in the snow, and that the world would be better without me...by my coworkers who, in theory, should be supportive and have my back. These comments were often made in front of my supervisors, who never did anything about it. I know that most of the ire was because I was the only female and I was trained and working as a mechanic.

I guess it isn’t hard to see why, while stationed in Boston, I had my first suicide attempt. I had a pretty bad cocaine addiction going at that time. In part, due to the physical pain of my back being jacked up, and part due to the emotional toll of not being believed. I obtained a sizable amount of cocaine, a case of beer, and booked a hotel room. I wrote a note and put it in my jacket pocket. In the note, I indicated that my family should not be contacted or informed of my actions. Well, it didn’t work. I ended up kicking my cocaine habit by doing something as equally as extreme as my suicide attempt. I applied and got my orders to go live 80 miles north of Nome, Alaska. I selected isolated duty where there were no roads in order to quit coke. Some may call it extreme, but for much of my life, I have lived in the extremes. It was an effective method for me, but I would definitely not suggest or recommend it for others though. I would later stop smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, with the latter taking place the day I left the military. January 2009.


After leaving the military, I earned my BS degree in Psychology from Oregon State University, which was later joined by my MS degree in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. I worked in the direct care setting, where I would work my way up to House Manager for a home for young adult males who had developmental disabilities, as well as moderate-to-severe mental health needs. I worked there for a few months, but left after my boss (who was the owner of the company) kept me working 1:1 with a client who, according to the client’s counselor, voiced his wish to physically harm me. That client went on to physically assault me and the owner of the company saw no big issue with this, so I left.

While working on my MS degree, I stumbled across a guy on Twitter. We have it narrowed down to one of three people who we had in common and are, in part, responsible for the union Matt and I have managed to make. So, thank you to Wendy, Kristen, and/or Frankie for making this magic happen! Matt and I exchanged DMs for a while before he asked if I minded we text instead. He was living in his home state of Texas, while I was living in Oregon. After a while of “talking,” we found a rental in Texas and I loaded up the moving van with my belongings, two puppers, and my Yaris in tow. We had never “met” until I pulled into the dirt driveway in Andrews, TX.

Matt and I have been together for, gosh, 7 years or so! In those years, we have learned a lot about each other, as well as ourselves. He now works at one of the grows for a local dispensary and I use cannabis on a daily basis. In addition to learning about our likes and dislikes, we also learned of my myriad of health issues. Imagine working towards a goal, but your health has other plans. I collected my degrees and experiences, in hopes of eventually becoming a lead investigator, running my own psychology research projects and becoming published in academic journals. I have the degrees (and student loans), but not the physical or mental stamina to do much anymore.

As of today, I have been diagnosed with:

• Ehlers Danlos Syndrome
• Mutation in my COL12A1 gene
• Dysautonomia
• Hypermobility Syndrome
• Fibromyalgia
• Diverticulitis
• Hypothyroidism
• Scoliosis
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• Reversal Cervical Lordosis
• Degenerative Disc Disease
• Small Fiber Neuropathy
• Gastritis
• Hypertension
• Headaches (migraine/icepick)
• Insomnia
• Psoriasis
• Vitamin D deficiency
• Tinnitus
• Raynaud's (suspected)
• Psoriatic Arthritis
• Chronic Pain
• PTSD - MST
• PTSD - Medical

As of today, there are few, if any, real and effective methods of treatment for most of my conditions. I take medications, see specialists (although, not as many as I need to due to the screwed up VA and overall healthcare systems), eat a vegan and gluten free diet, use cannabis, and am still in pain daily. We work through it though. On my really bad days, where new types of pain popping up like whack-a-moles, I tell myself that it won’t last forever. That this pain too shall pass. It may make me crumple into a soggy mess on the kitchen floor for a bit, but it will eventually pass. I have other pain that is 24/7, but I guess I am used to feeling like I am on fire. It’s weird though, as when I first noticed my pain and fatigue years ago, I thought I was just too weak. That I just needed to push through. I felt like I had the flu, a horrible New Year’s Day type of hangover, and that a hamster could beat me in an arm wrestling match. I completed two Tough Mudder events and knew that I could muscle through much in my life.

I couldn’t push through. There was so much pain and fatigue, but, despite my book learning, I couldn’t put a name to the sensations I was feeling. I thought it was normal and I was morally weak since I couldn’t push through. Looking back, I see that I have had symptoms of EDS since childhood. I am pretty sure that my sexual assaults and other trauma I experienced have had an influence on my physical (and emotional) health.

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Imagine feeling morally weak and having doctors doubt you when you do finally get the gumption up to tell a doctor how you are feeling. When I told my doctor that I was pooping blood, he asked if I was sure that it wasn’t “just my period.” I cried on the exam table when my doctor thought I was faking it when, in fact, I had two herniated discs. I told my doctor that my hands get really cold...my doctor put her hand on my arm and said “I get cold hands too” and brushed me off. I told my doctor that I have a chronic post nasal drip that causes me to physically collapse onto the pavement due to trying to clear it and aggravating my vagal/vagus nerve...only to be told by my doctor that it is fine as long as I don’t lose consciousness. Medical PTSD is real. I know that I am not alone in my struggles with navigating the health system, which is both comforting...and sad. It doesn’t need to be like this.

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My change in health status also meant that I got to learn and explore areas of my life that were hidden in the past. I have a passion for brightening up other’s lives. A kind word goes a long way. I also found my creative and artistic side, making cards and sending them via snail mail. We will be starting a podcast and YouTube channel soon. After having my bodily autonomy stolen from me via medical PTSD and sexual assaults, I am also finally learning to explore my sensuality and reclaiming my body, mind, and spirit. Oh, and in 2019, I came out of the (broom) closet. Finding and harnessing the power within is an intense process, but definitely worth it. I identify as a Green/Kitchen Witch, working in harmony with nature to nurture myself and those around me.

TLDR: I am an educated, chronically ill stay at home dog mom who wants to let people know that they are not alone.